Mr. Darcy's Indiscretions Read online

  Elizabeth understood it all better now. She could see why that might have affected Mr. Darcy’s disposition. But she found this house an odd choice to visit, owing to all the awful memories. She could not understand why Mr. Darcy had thought it would be a good place to get away from the city. Certainly, it was remote, there was that. But it still seemed strange.

  Furthermore, she wasn’t certain it would be the best place for Georgiana to learn to relax and be social.

  Elizabeth did not know if Georgiana had accompanied Mr. and Mrs. Darcy here for the birth of their child. She didn’t know if she had been present or not and had all the painful memories that Darcy also had. Even if she had not, she would be aware that this was the place where the event had occurred and it would affect her emotionally.

  But she didn’t see how she could bring this up to Mr. Darcy. They had already made a significant journey to get here in the first place. It had surely been an expense for him, and it had been a lot of preparation for the servants. There was really nothing to be done about it now, and she had best not say anything. She was resolved to keep her mouth shut about the entire matter. It would not do to bring it up.

  After dinner, she and Mr. Darcy found themselves alone in the sitting room, because Georgiana had retired for the night, claiming she would like to be awake very early to begin working on mastering a new piece of music she had brought with her. She had put Elizabeth off that afternoon, and they had spent no time together.

  Darcy wasn’t pleased with this. He tried to speak to Georgiana about it, but she was already out the door before he could get a word in. Instead, he turned on Elizabeth. “What have you accomplished with her today?”

  “Today? Nothing. She wouldn’t have anything to do with me,” said Elizabeth.

  “A whole day wasted then?” said Mr. Darcy.

  “Well, I suppose you could look at it that way,” said Elizabeth.

  “And you aren’t even inclined to apologize?” said Mr. Darcy. “Your first day here has been an utter failure. How will my sister ever get married?”

  Elizabeth sat up straight. “Excuse me, sir?” A failure? And she wasn’t fond of the sharpness in his tone.

  He turned to glare into the fire. “Did you not hear me, Miss Bennet?” he said in a low voice. “Or do you simply think that if I repeat myself, I shall say what I said in a different way?”

  “I might hope for the latter, because it would give you the opportunity to revise your rudeness.”

  “Well, I do not believe I have been rude. I believe you have been remiss in your duties. Isn’t that why I am paying you, after all?”

  She was quiet for a moment, trying to compose herself. “You seem in a frightful mood, sir.”

  He only snorted.

  “Perhaps it is difficult to be back in the place where you lost your wife and child?”

  He smiled grimly into the fire. He was sarcastic. “Perhaps.”

  “I do not understand why you chose this place for my tutoring of Georgiana, to be honest. I would not think it would be the place to inspire her to be more vivacious.”

  “It’s a perfectly good country house,” he muttered. “I don’t see why it should be abandoned.”

  “Yes, of course,” she said. “But if you are in such a foul temper, sir, I don’t think you must feel as though you have to put yourself through the pain of it all.”

  He rose from his chair. “I think I shall say goodnight, Miss Bennet.”

  She sighed. She had told herself not to say anything, but she hadn’t been able to keep her mouth closed after all. Now, he was likely in a worse temper than he had been before.

  * * *

  The next morning, Elizabeth secured a promise from Georgiana that they would go riding that afternoon. She thought that if they were out of the house, there would be no distractions from the piano, and there would be no bad memories of the death of her sister-in-law. Georgiana acquiesced, and they set off in the early afternoon

  Darcy appeared at breakfast, but he was brooding and silent, and Elizabeth did not attempt to draw him out. She had to admit that she was more than a little frightened he would snap at her again. She did not much enjoy being the object of his ire.

  It was a brisk winter day and there was still a bit of snow on the ground, though the brown spikes of grass were poking through it everywhere. Elizabeth and Georgiana rode through a path in the woods. It wound around the neighboring farms, over a stone bridge, and then came back to the main house. There had been little chance to speak while riding, as Georgiana had set the pace rather fast, and the wind had been streaming past their ears noisily. When they arrived back, however, Elizabeth insisted they meet in one of the sitting rooms to begin a bit of work on conversation, and Georgiana reluctantly agreed.

  Once they were settled in, Elizabeth tried to begin things in a way that Georgiana would like. “I know that you said that you dislike the uncertainty of conversations, but I think they tend to follow fairly similar patterns, especially when one is first getting to know someone. I thought we could use those patterns to practice speaking to each other. Then you might feel more at ease with the gentlemen you dance with.”

  Georgiana folded her arms over her chest. “When we spoke earlier, I thought you understood me.”

  “I do,” said Elizabeth. “But your brother does not. And he wants me to try to help you. What would it hurt to practice a few conversations?”

  “It is time away from music,” said Georgiana.

  “Yes, but you cannot play music all the time.”

  “Of course I can,” said Georgiana.

  “Well, you could, but don’t you find a bit of variety makes things more exciting?”

  “No,” said Georgiana. “I do not.”

  Elizabeth sighed.

  “I don’t see why you feel as though you must do my brother’s bidding,” said Georgiana. “I thought that was one of the reasons that you wouldn’t marry him, because you didn’t want to be obligated to him. But here you are, because he asked you to be.”

  Well, it was a little bit more complicated than that, but Mr. Darcy would hardly wish her to tell his sister about her scandalous position. She did not respond.

  “Tell him that you won’t do it,” said Georgiana. “Tell him I’m hopeless. Tell him to go back to London and leave me here. I should like to stay here. I have not been here since I was a small girl. I have happy memories of the place, even if my brother does not. I have told him all these things myself, but he does not listen to me. To you, however, he seems to listen. Please.”

  “You will not practice at all?” said Elizabeth.

  “No,” said Georgiana and quit the room without even saying goodbye or any sort of polite way of excusing herself.

  Elizabeth slumped in her chair. This wasn’t going well.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Elizabeth was sprawled out on her bed with a book. It was late afternoon, and she would have to dress for dinner soon, but she had this time now to relax.

  There was a knock on her door.

  She sat up in bed, but before she could say anything, the door opened and Mr. Darcy came in.

  “Mr. Darcy,” she said, scrambling to her feet. “What are you doing in my bedroom? This is most irregular.”

  “I have the right to enter your bedchamber if I choose,” said Darcy peevishly. She noticed that there were dark circles under his eyes. She wondered if he was getting enough rest.

  “I suppose so, yes,” she said. “What can I do for you?” Dear Lord, perhaps he had decided he wanted to bed her after all. The thought send dark thrills through her—fear and pleasure entwined.

  “Why is my sister still playing the piano? Why have you done nothing with her since we arrived?”

  “Because she refuses,” said Elizabeth. “It is impossible. She will not even practice with me for the sake of novelty. She will do nothing but play that piano. She is very stubborn, and I can’t think that she would obey any husband you might find for her. Let it be,
Mr. Darcy. Let her have what she wants.”

  “I shall not,” he said. “It is as I said the night before. I am paying you for a service, and I want you to deliver it.”

  “Well, I cannot,” she said. “I cannot force your sister to do what she will not do. I know not how.”

  “You must convince her, not force her.”

  “I don’t think that I can.” Elizabeth spread her hands.

  “Well, what good are you, then?” Darcy’s eyes flashed. “Ever since we began this arrangement, everything in my world has gone topsy-turvy, and I still have nothing to show for it. You were meant to help me marry off Georgiana, and you have done nothing to help with that, nothing. I don’t know why it is that I keep giving you all that money anyway.”

  “You can stop!” she suddenly burst out with, even though she didn’t mean it. She was relying on that money. She was saving it all up, and soon she would be able to move her sisters into a bigger house… that is, if Jane would accept it. She might not, now that she had Mr. Bingley calling on her every day. And indeed, even before that, Jane wouldn’t have been likely to do so.

  “Is that how it is?” said Mr. Darcy.

  “Yes, let us end this farce between us,” she said. “I do not know what it is you even want from me.” She drew herself up. “Now, if you please, leave my bedchamber.”

  Darcy’s nostrils flared. He opened his mouth as if he were about to say something, but then he closed it again. He turned on his heel and walked out, slamming the door behind him.

  Elizabeth sat down hard on the bed.

  What had she just done?

  She had severed everything between herself and Mr. Darcy.

  But, well, it would have come to that anyway. If Mr. Darcy had decided that he didn’t need Georgiana to get married, then he would have had no need for her services anyway. So, it was all the same in the end.

  She still had all of the dresses that Mr. Darcy had paid for. She could sell those and perhaps make some money. Maybe a house wasn’t necessary, because Mr. Bingley might offer for Jane, and then… Well, would Bingley take them all on? Perhaps he might take Kitty and Mary on, but Elizabeth, with her tarnished name and reputation, she would most definitely not be welcome.

  But the sale of the dresses would be something. She could get by on that, and Lydia would help, of course. She had survived without Mr. Darcy for years. She would do it again.

  Now, she only needed to concern herself with how she would get back to London. Mr. Darcy would certainly allow her use of his carriage, but she found she didn’t want anything from him anymore. She could ride post, and that would be just fine. She didn’t need any help from him anymore. She could sever all ties and—

  The door opened again.

  It was Mr. Darcy. “You have to forgive me,” he said.

  Her lips parted, but she didn’t make any noise.

  “I… you are right, I don’t know why I came back to this place. It is abominable. I see her everywhere.”

  “You loved her very much,” she said softly.

  He looked up at her. “What?”

  “You loved your wife, and now the memory of her—”

  “No, that is not…” He fiddled with the lapel of his jacket. “That is, I did care about her. Of course I did. But I didn’t feel any true strength of emotion, in fact. That is why what happened to her is so monstrous. I did not love her. She did not love me. And she died for it all. For nothing.”

  “Mr. Darcy—”

  “Do not try to talk me out of saying it,” he said. “What I feel for you, it’s ten times what I ever felt for my wife, and we have never… you are not even…” He sighed. “Dash it all.”

  Ten times? She could not help but feel her chest tighten, but she did not know what to say.

  He kept talking. “But that is not what I came to say. You must forgive me. I am in a frightful mood all the time, I’m afraid. I should not have said any of those things to you. I don’t mean any of them. You were right to throw me out of the room. I… I don’t know what is wrong with me.”

  She crossed the room to him and put a hand on his upper arm. It was strange that she felt comfortable with that sort of easy intimacy of touch, but she did, probably because of all those nights spent sleeping next to each other. “It is I who should apologize. Of course being here is difficult for you. I should have realized this and been more understanding, instead of snapping at you.”

  “Well, I did not make that easy,” he said. He patted her hand, looking into her eyes.

  She liked the way he looked at her. She realized that it would pain her if they parted. She had grown used to his company.

  “Listen, I would talk more of this,” he said in a low, rumbling voice. “But not here. Will you come on a walk with me? In the gardens?”

  “It is quite cold outside, Mr. Darcy,” she said, smiling. “There is still snow on the ground.”

  “My very eager staff has cleared all the walkways in the gardens,” he said. “It would be a shame for their hard work to go to waste.”

  Her smile widened. “I shall meet you in the gardens in a quarter hour.”

  “Excellent,” he said.

  * * *

  Elizabeth watched as Mr. Darcy ran his gloved finger through the snow that clung to one of the statues in the garden. She could not make the statue out. It appeared to be a cherub or perhaps some winged chimera.

  “It is fear,” Mr. Darcy murmured, rubbing the snow away from his fingers. “I am oppressed by it all the time.”

  “Fear of what?” she said. They were keeping a leisurely pace, both bundled into scarves, jackets, gloves and hats to keep warm.

  “Of everything,” said Mr. Darcy. “Of what becomes of Georgiana. Of what becomes of the family if I cannot manage to get heirs. Of what damage I am causing to you and your family by putting you in the position I have put you in. I cannot but enter a room without some awful calamity occurring to me.”

  “That sounds terrifying,” said Elizabeth. “Has it always been thus?”

  “To some extent, yes,” he said, studying his shoes. “I was a careful child. My father used to ridicule me for it. It is one reason I think he may have preferred Wickham—”

  “Oh, surely your father did not prefer anyone to his own son.”

  “Prefer is perhaps the wrong word,” said Darcy. “My father loved me, and I know that. Still, I think I disappointed him sometimes, and I think that Wickham’s recklessness was something my father wished I had in some degree.”

  “I’m sorry.” She tightened her grip on his arm.

  He looked into her eyes again, smiling at her.

  She shivered without meaning to.

  “Are you cold?” His voice deepened.

  “Not badly so,” she said softly. “Please continue.”

  “I don’t know what there is else to say,” he said.

  “You have always been fearful,” she said.

  “Well, I must admit that it grew worse after what happened to my late wife.”

  “Because you blame yourself for it, even though I have told you you must stop.”

  “Whether I blame myself or not, I wish I could have averted it. I fear that there are other tragedies that I could be averting now, but I am making a mess of everything. I worry so deeply for my sister. I am all she has, now that our parents are gone, and I want the best for her.”

  “I understand that sentiment,” said Elizabeth.

  “But you think I am worrying for nothing, and that I am forcing something on her that will cause her misery.”

  “I…”

  “It is all right, Miss Bennet. You have communicated this to me already. You can admit it.”

  “Well, I might not have said it in such words.”

  “Do you think Georgiana would be happy without a husband? Do you think I should allow her to take that risk?”

  “Life is risk, Mr. Darcy,” she said.

  “What do you mean?” he said.

  “I learned
a long time ago that we do not get what we deserve. Some people are rewarded who do not deserve it. Others are punished, though they have done nothing wrong.”

  “You are referring to the business with Cumberbottom,” he said quietly.

  “Not just that,” she said. “That was dreadful, but what was worse was losing my father. He was perhaps my favorite person on earth, and I loved him so very, very much. Perhaps he was not perfect, but I did not care. He was important to me. And then he was ripped from me, from all of us, and… and…” Her voice caught, and she could not continue.

  “It is true, you have been through many difficult things,” said Mr. Darcy. “I had wanted to make things better for you, but I fear that I have only made things worse.”

  “There you go, fearing again.”

  “It told you, it is all I do. Feel afraid.”

  “I could not have prevented the misfortune that befell me, Mr. Darcy,” she said. “It happened though I was doing the best that I could not to bring ruin on my head.”

  “I see that,” he said.

  “So, that is why it is okay to take risks,” she said. “Why I was willing to risk what was left of my reputation to become a man’s mistress, either that Chivsworth’s or yours. I have nothing to fear any more.”

  “Because you have nothing to lose?”

  “I have many things to lose,” she said. “But it is more important to me to live with what I have left than it is to hide under a blanket for the rest of my life. Bad things will come, but I must do what I can to try to make things better regardless. I cannot live my whole life guarding against possible ill.”

  Darcy nodded slowly. “Yes, I see what you are saying.”

  “You do?”

  “Indeed.”

  She waited for him to continue, listening to the distant sound of the wind rustling the snow-covered branches.

  He took a deep breath. “Very well, there is no reason to insist upon Georgiana doing something that she hates. I shall risk it. I shall allow her to guide her own sail.”

  “I think that’s a very good idea,” said Elizabeth. She looked away. “Of course, you will have no more need of me, then, since I am only employed to help your sister find a husband.”